Joe's Journal!
by No1butjoe
Summary: Joe was tossed off of a horse and hurt badly. With Hoss and Ben away on business, Adam is left with the responsibility of taking care of Joe. What he doesn't expect is the book he finds in Joe's nightstand drawer. COMPLETE! ONE-SHOT!


Joe's Journal!

By No1butjoe**A/N: Words in italics are either Joe's journal entries or a character's thoughts.**

**Disclaimer - I don't own Bonanza.**

**Summary - Joe was tossed off of a horse and hurt badly. With Hoss and Ben away on business, Adam is left with the responsibility of taking care of Joe. What he doesn't expect is the book he finds in Joe's nightstand drawer.**Pain was the only feeling he now had in his body. Pain and the fact that he was in trouble. How could he make it go away? "Joe, please, wake up," a voice anxiously called to him, but he chose to ignore it. He wanted to sleep, as if it might take away the pain he now knew wasn't going to go away over night. Adam ran a hand over his face in exasperation. Four long hours and the doctor still wasn't back. Joe had taken a turn for the worse late last night and immediately, Adam had sent one of the hands for the doctor. Joe would occasionally cry out, causing Adam's heart to constrict at what his younger brother was having to endure."Mama," Joe suddenly older man's face paled at that one word as he looked through Joe's drawer, trying to find her picture, hoping it might bring him some comfort. What he found was a small book with Joe's name on it. Adam didn't have to open it to find out what it was. A journal. Joe's journal. Not being able to resist the urge, Adam opened the book and began to read._April 5, 1863Dear Journal,I don't know what it is that always causes me and Adam to fight. God knows I hate it when we do, but how can you tell your brother you love him when he's been a completely different person since college than the one you knew? It's not his fault and it's not my fault. We're just too different sometimes. Like yesterday. Adam yelled at me for allowing the horses to get loose. Now how in the world can a nineteen year old be expected to keep an eye on a thirteen year old boy and watch horses at the same time? It's so confusing at times, that I'm surprised that we're even brothers. After all, how was I supposed to know what was gonna happen last summer?_Joe's coughing brought Adam back to the present. Quickly, the older Cartwright poured a glass of water and put it to Joe's lips. After that was done and Joe was once again sleeping peacefully, Adam sat down once again to read . . .

_April 6, 1863Dear Journal,It all started about summer time. Adam and I were riding fence and, as usual, I was getting on Adam's nerves. It wasn't my fault that I wanted attention, especially from my older brother who usually didn't have the time of day for me. I don't know exactly how it happened, but I know the results. Somehow, while mending the fences, my hammer flew out of my hand and hit Adam in the head, knocking him unconscious. Naturally, I hurried to get him home, but it wasn't easy. Once home, I managed to get Adam into bed, while one of the hands went for the doc. The medicine Adam needed was all the way in San Francisco and I knew Adam didn't have that much time. "The mind's a tricky thing when not carefully examined," the doc told me when he arrived. "Adam could wake up, fine and dandy, or he could remain like this for a while. That, or he'd never wake up again."That last sentence practically killed me. Adam never wake up ever again? Never read books or tease me and Hoss? I knew I couldn't let that happen, but fate had other plans, for, at that exact moment, bandits decided to raid the Ponderosa . . . _Adam yawned and set the book on Joe's dresser. It was gonna be a long night and he needed all the sleep he could get. As his eyes slowly closed, he never noticed green eyes looking at him from the bed . . .

Adam didn't know what caused him to wake up, but he was glad he did. Joe was tossing and turning in his bed, mumbling incoherently. Quickly, Adam sat on the bed next to his shuddering brother and pinned down Joe's arms so Joe couldn't harm himself if worse came to worse. Again, Adam wondered where in the world the doctor was and what was taking him so long. Eventually, Joe's thrashing ceased and Adam was able to let go of his arms. Sitting back, Adam ran a hand over his face to wipe the sweat off. As his hand uncovered his eyes, he looked over at Joe's journal once again. Remembering the way he had left off last time, Adam grabbed it and opened it up to where he had left off._. . . The three men that had chosen to invade the Ponderosa that night, well, I can't say they were complete strangers. Bubba, Carl, and Matt weren't the smartest people in the world and they knew it. But with Adam hurt, Pa and Hoss in Virginia City, and me on my own, anything was possible. Me? I wasn't taking any chances. I knew they were out there. It was just a matter of them coming into the house to negotiate, or shooting first and asking questions later. Trust me, I was in no mood to talk to a bunch of no good criminals."Joe Cartwright!" Bubba shouted. "We know you're in the house! Come out with your hands above your head and unarmed!"Like I wrote before, not the smartest people in the world. "Why should I?" I shouted back, stalling for time the best way I knew how."Because if you don't, me and men are coming in there on the count of ten!" Carl replied.I chuckled at the word 'men', but my face turned serious as they began the countdown."1!"Adam groaned in his bed and carefully placed a hand over his mouth to keep the bandits from hearing him. That's all I needed. Them knowing I had an injured man on my hands. They'd be rushing through that door so fast, it'd make my head spin!"2!"I looked up at the ceiling, mouthing the word 'Why?". "3!"I knew one thing. I was NOT facing them unarmed."4!"Think, Joe, think, I told myself. What would Pa do?"5!"Halfway there and I had nothing!"6!"I looked back to Adam, who had fallen deep into sleep once more. What would Adam do?"7!"Why today, of all days, did they have to come here?"8!"Wait!"9!"Mine!"10!"Oh, God, help me!_

_The countdown had ceased. I didn't know if it was because they gave up, or whether they were trying to figure out a way to get inside. I knew I had to think of something, but my mind was drawing a blank, which wasn't helping. "Come on, Joe, we don't wanna hurt ya!" Matt shouted. "We just need you to cooperate."Cooperate my foot, I thought. How am I gonna get out of this one? "Joe," a weak voice called my name. Hurriedly, I turned my head to see Adam struggling to sit up in bed. Immediately, I was by his side, gently pushing him back down."Adam, you just take it easy," I soothed him. "It's gonna be okay."My older brother grabbed my arm and pulled me closer towards him so I could hear what he was going to say."G-Get Hop-S-Sing," he whispered, anxiously just as he passed out from exhaustion.I snapped my fingers. Of course! Why didn't I think of it before? Hop Sing was downstairs in the kitchen, but I hadn't heard a peep out of him since this whole mess. I was downstairs so quick, Pa would've tanned me for sure, but I didn't care about that. I needed help. "Hold it right there, Kid!" a voice called me.I froze in my tracks."Now, turn around, slowly."I wasn't surprised that, after I turned, I was face-to-face with the business end of a rifle. _Great, Joe, _I told myself. _Now how are you going to get out of this mess?

_I found it ironic that I had access to tons on rifles, guns, etc, but I couldn't get to them. Not that I wanted to face off against him, mind you. Rather, I didn't have to. You see, Hop Sing, obviously not happy about "men interrupt dinner", smacked my assailant on the back of the head. Trust me, he wasn't going to wake up anytime soon. This man was a stranger. Not with the gang outside. He was smarter than them. (Not hard to miss) . . . _"Adam?" Joe whispered from the bed, anxiously. "Adam, is that my -"Guiltily, Adam set the book back on the nightstand and put a hand on his younger brother's shoulder."Sorry, little buddy, but it was too good to pass up," Adam replied. "I never knew you felt so - well - different about me when I came home. You should definitely try to be more out there, okay, little brother?"Joe nodded, slowly. His head was still throbbing, but the pain was gently ebbing away. Adam sighed with relief as Joe drifted off to sleep once more._Now_, Adam thought, _about those bandits . . . I'm really bad at this, Journal. I start writing and then get writer's cramp and block at once! Adam would laugh and say, "You're not cut out for writing, Joe. Stick to horses." Easier said than to say that Hop Sing really clobbered that guy though. You should've seen him once Carl, Bubba, and Matt walked in. Then again, maybe it's better that you weren't there. Hop Sing might've hit you too and given you a black eye, bloody nose, and a split lip. Well, that was it, Journal. Adam still doesn't know how much he means to me, but actions speak louder than words, right? Right, well, write tomorrow. . . Joe_Adam felt something wet on his cheek and gently brushed away the runaway tear that had escaped. Joe never knew he felt the same way. Ever since he had come home, it wasn't the same and Adam couldn't act the same around Joe, mainly because they were both too different. _But that's gonna change_, Adam decided, looking over at his sleeping brother. _As soon as he wakes up, me and little brother are having a chat about that ax and about all of this._Suddenly, a thought came to him. "Maybe that's why Hop Sing was begging Pa for a new frying pan! He probably broke his on those guys' heads!"

_April 15, 1863Dear Journal,I haven't had much time to write, due to Adam being injured and all, but, I'm happy to say, Adam's made a full recovery. I always knew us Cartwrights had thick skulls. Something's wrong with our relationship, though. I can't tell what, but I think Adam's sore at me. He can't really think I let go of that hammer on purpose, can he? (sighs) yeah, maybe he can. Well, I didn't! If only Adam would spend less time working and more time talking to me, he'd know better, but talking to him is like using a porcupine for a pillow! Trust me, it isn't very comfortable! Journal, it's hard, but I don't know how to tell Adam that I love him. I mean, yeah sure, we get into fights a lot but we really don't mean anything by 'em. At least, I don't. Maybe I'll be able to figure something out soon. Joe_Adam rubbed his forehead gently. His eyes were getting heavy and it was hard to keep them open. Glancing out the window, he could very well remember the conversation he and Joe had about that hammer.

Adam awoke to the sound of someone screaming. Joe was tossing and turning in bed, crying out in his sleep. "No, no, Adam, please, don't go," he cried. He frowned. He wasn't going anywhere."Joe, it's okay," he soothed the frightened youth. "Joe, wake up, it's just a bad dream. Joe!"The younger man's eyes shot open, wildly looked around, and finally rested on Adam. Seeing his brother, Joe relaxed back on his pillow, sighing in relief. "Adam, oh thank God," he whispered, breathing heavily."Joe, what's wrong?""I saw you die."Joe's voice held a feeling of fear in it, but Adam ignored it as he gently gathered his youngest brother into his arms. Joe was shaking violently, the shock of his nightmare all too real. Adam pulled away, looking into Joe's eyes, searching."Joe," he began, sighing, "we have to talk."

Joe sat up slightly at Adam's comment and, noticing the serious look on his oldest brother's face, realized this was more than what it seemed."'Bout what, Adam?"As if in reply, the older Cartwright held up the journal. Joe's eyes immediately fell to his sheets, knowing that Adam had read it. (or at least most of it)Adam ran an exhausted hand over his face."Joe, I wish things didn't change, believe me," he said, "but I had to go off to college or the Ponderosa might not be what it is today. I just wish that we could talk like we used to and express our feelings more than we do now."Joe couldn't believe it. Here was his mule-headed brother talking to him like a man and, if he wasn't mistaken, little tears were falling down Adam's face! Joe snapped out of his thoughts as he realized Adam had stopped talking. It was HIS turn. Taking a deep breath, Joe began.

"It's my fault."Adam jerked his head up to meet his brother's sorrowful eyes."Joe, what are you talking about?" he asked, frowning. "We both never said anything. We just lived our daily routine and never even bothered."Joe looked at Adam, tears falling freely. "All those times . . . the desert . . . you getting shot by that Indian and Ruth saving you . . . that Indian shooting you and me having to carry you back."His voice kept getting quieter as he relived every memory. His eyes closed tightly and tears continued down his cheeks. Suddenly, he felt two arms holding him tight. Joe gasped as he opened his eyes to see Adam hugging him. "A-Adam?" he whispered. "You don't get it, do you, Joe?" the older man asked. "I've promised myself time and time again that I'd never leave you alone. After Marie died, I made a vow to protect you. Why do you think I keep coming back?"

Joe gently pulled away from Adam's embrace and turned to the nightstand, where his journal sat, abandoned."Here," he said, opening to a page and handing it to Adam. "I wrote this a while ago, but I still feel the same."Adam frowned, confused, but accepted the book and let his eyes drift over the words. . . _Dear Adam,_

_Sometimes it's hard for people to express their feelings for each other and I'm no different. Sure, I fight with you a lot and I'm not proud of it, but you have to know that I'll love you no matter how much we fight. Adam, I've never meant to hurt you. God knows I'd take my own life before I'd mess with your emotions. If this letter ever reaches you, please, understand that I'm not the kind of person who can say this stuff out loud. I hope you can forgive me for all these years. Your Loving Brother,Joe_

Adam's vision blurred and he could no longer see the letter that still remained in his hands. A hand touched his shoulder and he looked up to see a very worried Joe looking at him. "Adam?" he asked. "You okay?""Joe, I-"Joe gasped as he felt himself once again pulled into his brother's strong embrace. "Adam! Joe! Where are you?" a voice shouted from downstairs. They smiled as they both said, simultaneously, "Up here, Pa!"

Adam and Joe could both hear the footsteps rushing up the stairs. They grinned at each other just as Ben and Hoss entered the room. Ben immediately hurried to his youngest son's side. "Joe?" he asked, worriedly. "How do you feel, son?""Sore," came the reply. "Pa, Adam's taken real good care of me. You should be proud of him."Adam's eyebrows raised at this statement. "I'm proud of both of you, Joe," Ben said, pushing the young man's hair back out of his eyes. "I saw Chris in town and thought the Ponderosa was on fire. The doctor should be out here shortly just to make sure you haven't suffered anything else life threatening."Joe yawned and nodded as his head leaned back on the pillow. Soon enough, his breaths were deep and slow, signifying he was asleep.


End file.
